When Growing Up Means Growing Apart

Adulting101: sometimes we lose friends

I started After Hours because I wanted a place to write the way I speak when the microphones are off and the lights are low. A space that is less about polished science and more about honest conversation. My hope is that these pieces help you feel a little less alone in the parts of life that are rarely spoken about but deeply felt and fiercely real.

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One of the hardest lessons in adulthood is this: sometimes we lose friends. Not because of a fight or betrayal. Not because anyone is wrong or anyone is bad. But because life changes us. We grow. They grow. And suddenly the pieces no longer fit the way they used to.

When I was younger, I thought real friendship meant forever, no matter what. If someone drifted away, I thought I had failed. But I have come to realise that losing some friendships is not failure. It is simply life. Growth is not always something we can share in the same way.

It is not arrogance to outgrow someone. It is not cruelty when they outgrow you. It is the natural rhythm of moving forward. Some people are meant to walk with you for a season, not a lifetime. And that is okay.

What lasts is different. Real friendship is not effortless. I used to think that friendship should be as easy as breathing. I even used to joke that friendship is not a part time job, if it’s too hard it’s not meant to be.

But over time, as I realised that friendship does not survive only because of shared history or convenience. It survives because both people choose it again and again. They check in. They forgive. They show up. They celebrate your growth even when it makes their own life look smaller. And you do the same for them.

The friends who stay are not the ones who never change. They are the ones who grow with you, even if it takes work. They are the ones who see the new version of you and choose to keep loving you anyway. They are also the ones who sincerely believe you would celebrate their growth and embrace their new version.

So if you have lost friends along the way, I hope you can give yourself grace. Not every friendship is meant to stretch across every chapter. That does not erase the joy or meaning of the chapters you shared.

And if you are lucky enough to have friendships that last through the shifts and the storms, hold them close. Nurture them. Protect them. Because believe me, those are the rare ones.

Growing up often means growing apart. But growing strong means learning which bonds to release and which ones to keep holding with both hands.

Until next time,
Dr Vincent